Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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