Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
