I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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