is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
