he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
