I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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