I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
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That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
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I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My ass is underappreciated
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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