I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
