We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
