Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
