Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
why is half of my head shaved?
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