She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
