i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
