i just google imaged poop.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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