I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
