i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Come see our sink grown plant.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
