I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
