So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
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Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
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FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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