man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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