I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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