I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
