My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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