I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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