My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Randomize
