god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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