every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i think my mom watched the whole time
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
