another moral hangover. fuck.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
