dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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