So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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