I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
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you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
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I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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