I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
