I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
