I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
