I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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