I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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