just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I want her autograph on my taint
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
