So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
