So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
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i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
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I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
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