either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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