What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
