Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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