I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
