The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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