Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Randomize
