Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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