omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
