just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
