Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
