so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
