Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
