Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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