i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
