was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
