What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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