He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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