I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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